Update on The Dream of Acting and the Some-what Conflicting Necessity of Financial Independence

In regards to acting.  Thanks to anyone for that encouragement.  I sincerely appreciate anyone's feedback and fortification toward acting.  I agree, when I was pursuing it during taking acting classes, I did feel extremely fulfilled.  The biggest obstacle toward that pursuit, however has been money.  MONEY, money, money.  That's the only thing.  I've diverted my attention toward web design and trying to make money via computers because I see that as the most direct way to accrue money.  I can't foresee a way to make money via acting until LONG after many auditions and shows (of zero to low pay).  It just seems like forever until I'll be financially independent (earning over $30k per year on my own).  This desperation has left me in quite accurately a state of panic where any profession that earns, for the time being, feels viable. 

Acting has always functioned as the "dream" profession, but if a dream job can't pay my bills, well, of what use is it other than fulfilling that dream?  Dream fulfillment is huge, but it's a little higher up on the maslowian scale of self-actualization.  I have these great parents who kind of bypass the lower stages of maslowian hierarchy of needs like having shelter, and getting food.

I fear that not living IN hollywood (22 miles from it and NO WHERE to park once I commute there) greatly impedes my pursuit in acting (finding an agent, namely).  If I had a set parking place in hollywood things would operate MUCH more smoothly.  I can't describe the hours you spend looking for a parking spot that only offers 2 hours of parking in Hollywood.  This sounds trivial but actually presents a major obstacle because I don't have the freedom of being able to get to hollywood and explore.  I've looked into solutions such as taking a train there, which could work, but the train station is roughly 5 miles away and then I have to factor in commute costs.

The past 2 months (after acting class) have been none other than panic-stricken attack on trying to earn money -- from investigating credit, to calling banks, to researching resume protocol and attempting to apply to various jobs.

My strong drive to have total financial independence is a barrier I did not foresee.  

At times I looked back on the acting class and think what was I doing wasting time on those "energy" classes?  That won't help me earn!  But during the class I remember enjoying it greatly.  My desperation to earn money has reached an unbearable extreme. I feel greatly "left behind" in comparison to many of my peers who now have full financial independence (not to mention my brother).  

I think it goes without saying that my drive and desire and "Need" to earn money for myself presents somewhat of a schism with pursuing my passion of acting, of which it's difficult to foresee how/when I will make that $30k/year minimum.  

Just a piece of my mind in regards to pursuing the dream of acting with currently conflicting necessity of financial independence.

Another thing is Jen from the acting corps said somethings that triggered pain and dislike, like : "You still need to focus".  I can't begin to describe how infuriating it is when people say that because I put so much attention to trying to focus.  My art history teach said those very same words and then accused me of having a learning disorder.  telling someone "you need to focus" is
1.  Insulting -- it implies they aren't focus.  But I've run 2 marathons and written 4 books, have they?  I consider that the epitome of focus.
2.  Ambiguous -- focus on what?  Focus for how long?  
3.  Useless -- the lack of specifying WHAT precisely to focus on makes their "suggestion" or "evaluation" of my attentiveness utterly pointless.

I think it's understandable why I have an aversion to an insulting, ambiguous, and useless "evaluation" by people.

Anger in receiving comments like that, presents a barrier in taking the classes.  And the fact that the classes don't guarantee me earning money is another barrier.  

There are just so many hoops to jump through to earn anything over $100 dollars, it's outrageous to the point of feeling abusive.

On one hand I've got "dream" on the other hand I've got the "boring" (but highly necessary) demands I put on myself to earn and financially provide for myself.  Those don't have to be mutually exclusive, but for now, unfortunately, they appear to be that way.  I hope I will find a way to make money via acting or a side source of income proividing the financial self-sufficiency I demand of myslef so that I can pursue acting whole-heartedly.

Conclusively, I don't want to be misinterpretted: I still value acting and the dream of that profession.  I don't want that dream to be eclipsed by my other self-sufficiency need of providing for myself financially.  I hadn't realized it, because it sounds so lame, but that latter (financial self-sufficiency) goal almost is dream-worthy as well.  almost.

I think the most paramount emotion I currently feel in regards to career is fear. That sums up my state nicely. I find the overwhelming demand I place on myself to earn income so overwhelming that I find it difficult to focus.

I've begun to look at "acting-like" work as something I should and need to get paid for. Meaning all of "acting corps" was "for free".

I have no destructive relationships, I'm in good health, I'm incredibly organized. Everything in my life seems and should be aligned except for that one smidgen: earning money. Without that, my life feels like a mess, even though it really isn't. Letting not earning money blemish the good landscape of my life wouldn't be good, but there's two HUGE financial things marring the forward progression of my life: Past lack of earnings and Present lack of earnings.

Past: I feel that I "Should have" earned money by now. I feel like I should have gotten paid for a LOT of things that I did and considered work (programs, talks, life-coaching, acting-related events, etc.). So I have some rancor towards not earning in the past that must be resolved

Present: Not being able to currently earn money is one of the most harrowing and frightening experiences. So that must be remedied, just like my not earning of the past, must be resolved and relinquished, unless of course I could go back in time and earn for that work.

The profession Of "entertainment" is strange because where do you draw the line between" Was that entertaining? Great. Pay me" and just being like-able. This is a huge and confusing issue.

If I got a restaurant job. I'd have to work 40 hours a week (8 hours a day, 5 a week) something I have no interest in doing to earn $2000/per month, translating into $24,000 a year (assuming a 10/per hour pay).

This discourse will evolve to a more enlightening plateau soon enough, no doubt!