April 2009 -- Forgiveness/Gratitude List

April 2, 2009 -- 8:50 AM


March 27, 2009
10:00 PM
Just woke up and DAMN. I'm angry. I'm FURIOUS. This is something I'm certain about. HEre's the list of things that have made me furious..

1. kyle for cutting me off on phone call
2. Eric for making me panic about going up and then trivializing it by inviting everyone up on stage (even the audience non comedians)
3. Jack for being so confusing
4. Mary for not marrying me
5. The starcbucks northridge students for being so decieving, petty, naive, puerile and inconsiderate when they took my table and then the fuckers tried to make me think that I wasn't sitting there before them?? preoposterous!!
6. I'm angry at how drawn otu jonathon is making the dog adoption thing like literally 5-6 calls per week MORE and voicemails i want to adopt henry A LOT about damn man it isn't like a corporate merger.
7. i'm angry at ALL la women because maybe they're just impossible to hook up wiht, maybe no one has sex with them, and I certainly feel like I am not capable nor deserve to
8. I'm FURIOUS FURIOUS at that jamba for making fill out another resume
9. I'm fucious at jamba, chateau marmont
10. I'm FUIOUS at that Miyagi's dj for purposefully skipping my song WTF!
11. I'm angry and enraged at that sahara chick for purposefully distracting me with flirting and then eating half of MY damn sushi!
12. I'm fucious that I'm so broke and can't make money.
13. I'm angry that I feel my life is going no where (no job, no money, just TONS of work and tons of projects like I've been in prison).
14. I'm angry I cant' even geta job bagging groceries.
15. i'm angry at how I have to go to calabasas to sleep (which is kinda okay) but then I stay here for too long because going out means spending money that I dont' have.
16. I'm angry at the lawyer people from mca in the resident lounge.
17. I'm angry that I don't feel I deserve to USE the damn computer lab and gym that I"M paying for!!
18. I'm angry at how many websites I've made and how I haven't profitted of ANY of them.
19. I'm angry at how much junk food crap I've eaten.
20. I'm enraged at all the legal shit that is omnipresnet in America (restrictions of open mics at cofee bean tea leaf); the legal stuff about posting my work etc
21. I'm angry that I dont' feel capable of making money off my work Xmas carol recordings, vyl recoridngs, vyl books, websites, ALL that IMMENSE amount of work!!!!!!!!!!
22. i'm angry taht damn myth the fallen lords needs classic to run b/c I liked that game.
23. I'm angry that I don't know if I should be focusing and pursuing math teaching, some kind of teaching, acting? (nah), COMEDY, working in cheapo restaurant place.
24. I'm Angry but more Panicked and nervous about not knowing what to do for rent!


I'm grateful for/happy about

1. getting to go up and do my bringer comedy set AND get a recording of it.
2. that I have access to trails and ocean if I get over my anger and go
3. that I ahve acces to food (even though I cant' afford it)
4. eric and jack and rico are kind of cool.
5. that I did Do alllll of that outside work stuff (stripper club chateau, open mics, north hollywood explore etc).
6. I have a car, abike, a surfboard.
7. That I might adopt Henry!! :D
8. that I'm in cali
9. That I know i like the looks of australians
10. That atleast I'm getting in SOME miniscule form of auditons (explore talent ones and open mics)


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April 19, 2009 -- 1:59 AM

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April 18, 2009 -- 10:46 PM


DAYAMN!! Feel REALLY peaceful and GOOD today!! why? not sure but might have something to do with:
-- ebay $159 item selling!!
-- having henry AWESOME dog that I love!
-- maybe that interestin REAL gentleman ompliment from the woman!
--Math problems (YES!!!)
--reading curious incident of dog (YES!!)
--maybe my heartfelt fanmail laudatory letters arrived so that good energy got released or something haha coolaate


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April 18, 2009 -- 8:58 AM

I love how Henry
poops
pees
eats food
yawns
growls
protects himself
moves so fast
is so big and good

is simple and clear.
is big and beautiful!

Grateful for MATH!! and reading great (nonsticky preferably math-based novels) Did GREAT MAth problems tongiht felt SOOO RELAXING And fun and GOOD and aligning and MASSIVELY clarifying.

I showered, had the math problems all laid out, cooked GREAT rice ad roni rice during it, so felt clear nadn focused after shower and felt SOO clear and good to do math. MATH something SAFE you can apply your mind to!! (conservation, books, movies, all of that junk just creates more things to write. do math. have math probelsm then DONE!! SWEET! Brilliant yippee!!).


ALSO one guy said "incredulity" in the belief LOL. so I guess source of delight is cool fun math students too!
Man the day feels LIGHT COlorful GEntle. and DeLIGHTFUL and happy!! andneat!! I LOVE The math1!!

Also grateful for:
sending the gibson and pitt letters
that I took the time to learn and completed on time the taxes
that I'm in this cool place with great weather AMAZING trails, a dog, and I "COMPLETED "the move and th world IS a much mroe colorful place!!
that i've foudn peace with math1! YEAYAHA :D
That I have this awesome dog that's SOO frickin cool! perfect! the best! love!!!! YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RUNNING EXERCISE TRAIZLS outside fun stuff with henry carcharias huckleberry. !! HAHAH!
SOOO grateful that my ebay item SOLD!!!!!!! YEAYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
moderately grateful that that christina hidalgo chick called me REAL gentleman. ( COOL! :0)
SO grateful for completely severed off tv/film and have rediscovered the relaxaing and FUn soomthin

I forgive:
jerks who didn't hire me (but maybe I'm grateful fro that LOL)
myself or jerks and not making moneye


April 19, 2009 -- 10:04 PM

Am REALLY freaking out. Because
Found fully engorged tick on henry TOTALLY disgusted, scared, concerned, and angry at DAMN ticks. And then angry about barely having enough money to afford Frontline, and did tons of yahoo answers and resarch on it

and I need cleanliness and order and structure and I have that but I can't have ticks hanging off my dog infesting lime disease into the house and freaking out. I feel really scared, really concerned, and OSBSCENELY DISGUSTED.


feeling really pissed and upset and Depressed, i was at the end of my rope. Now i've fallen off the rope. I hate this palce but feel too depressed to be angry.
Things Im furious about and (will aim to forgive if possible):
ticks and engorging on henry
tocks ifnesting my house
ticks making things dirty
the world for not paying me
having to live with outrageous fucked up rent (MCA) and no income
being unable to afford most things in life
strugglign with finances CONSTANTLY
having fiannces ALwASY be a fucking problem
How this fucked up california place makes you feel angry or scared the whoe time and angry for being around all this crap.
being depressed
no friends
missing the anne, geometry, CHEM BIO!!! track, swimming, that whole huge structure of my life. missing the high productivity, comfort, and succes s that brought!!
hating the "colorful" brighty shineyeye crap, wanting crisp, clear career
HATING WASTING my time with so many thigns
HATING how long it takes to get things done (like damn
HATING people who ALWAYS bring in massive doubt)
NOt feeling successful so having
FEELING Freaked nd istrbuted but alls o oddly awakened that My brother, mother, dad, are not friends.

I HATE my sexual energy. It's the one thing there's no outlet for.
If I have to poo, pee, get hungry, get tired....there's a toilet, a kitchen, and a bed for all those NEEDs. But for sex??? Well, There is no such always-there-constant outlet and that's painful to me. Incredibly painful. It's like having to go pee but having to hold it for a year. Sexual drive creates MASSIVE pain. I get drained and depressed from not having sex, or frustrated and hostile angry at women for not having sex.

Then my schedule gets ALL royally fucked up. I feel I have to do "tons of things during the day" and then instead of relaxing, then I have to go out at night and destroy my body with drinking even though I'm exhausted, and then get hungover and feel like shit and feel dirty and feel pissed and likely have to fight off the urge of whacking off in anger of having wasted so much time and energy in a foul emotional sewer bar with emotional sewer disgusting people and not getting laid..ALL OF THAT because of my DAMN sexual drive.
Let me just recap of what my sexual energy the IMMENSE PAIN my sexual energy creates in my life:
depression, rage, anger, exhaustion, alcoholic intoxication, anger, masturbation, desperation, rejection, feeling like lost, guilt (after masturbating), sense of lost soul (after masturbating). I

t's like ALL stages of it bring pain.

What I NEED is a sex toilet! A place to go when I'm horny that's free and clean (and not a whore house) I need that and deserve that and it's not here in CA. Nothing is. I hate this palce. When I want to exercise I have trails and a pool and all these resources, when Iwant to read, I have the library! When I want to eat, I have a kitchen, when I want to pee and poop, I have a toilet, when I want to clean myself, I have ashower. Do you see what I'm getting at????????????????? There's a biological PLACE for all those biological needs to occur, but NOT for sex, Sex is SOO FUCKED UP for me in life, like SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY WRONG IN MY LIFE, because sex is a biological NEED, but there's no goddamn outlet for it, and it should be recreational as well as reproductive.

And I've TRIED FUCKING EVERYTHING:
dating books
thousands of bars, with friends, without friends, different friends
trying to meet women in nature places, in weird random places (like book stores or the swimming pool)
I've had sex maybe 8 to 20 times with over half a dozen different partners but it was literally only like 8 to 15 days of my life that I've had sex. I NEED a sexual relationship. NEEDING a sexual relationship is not sex addiction. it's not dirty or slutty or "blasphemous" LMao! I need a sexual relationship where I'm with a woman and we fuck when we're horny and that could be 2-3 times per day, or week or month, but I NEED it to be reliable and not having a sexual outlet is destroying almost all other aspects of my life. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm 25 years old so hundreds of times per day my BODY is telling me to have intercourse, but I need to tell it to shutup because I don't have a place/girlfriend/etc to have intercourse with.. This is SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP. It's like Every day I have to tell my body 100s of times "shutup, we dont' have a place to pee, we can't pee." That's what I feel like I ahve to do with sex as sex is abiological need (like eating etc) but there's not outlet for it. I hate this. I fucking hate this.

I hate my sexual drive. I want to be having sex on a regular frequent basis or NEVER experiencing sexual drive.

My sexual drive TORTURES TORTURES TORTURES me. That's the essence of this.

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April 27
GRATITUDE

1. That henry's alive
2. That I took the time to bleach and massively clean
3. that I have a tent
4. That I'm alive
5. That I'm moving ahead with work.
   

April 28, 2009 -- 5:07 AM
Gratitude

1. That henry's so frickin lively and happy
2. Classical musical composers like holst, beethoven, and mozart. They're so amazingly cool and I'd feel wretchedly miserable without them.
3. That I put on a shirt and tie and did a recording of Compassionate Reservoirs.
4. that I actually have a shirt and tie to wear in the first place.
   
5. The fact that I wrote that awesome book.
6. That I have a computer
   
7. That I discovered NLP and have emplohyed it to make constructive canges in my life
8. That I've accepted the fact that I am a success with health and authoring and education and intelligence, but am a TOTAL failure with finances, as that provides personal veracity and reality-checkness.
9. Getting up early (midnight and writing and recording and working for the past 5 hours)

April 29, 2009 -- 10:13 PM

1. That I honored the experiences learned from maya and that it ultimately was overly-philosophical, BURDENING massively, and highly destructive. those lesson s were
   

r me to thoroughly digest maya, and extract her contamination from my life, I must honor the few good things that occurred from my interaction with maya. they were: exerpeince with hte unfamiliar, what it feels like to waste time, experience with the type of woman who is a poor match for me. expanisve life (by not focusing on math and sciences and doing lame surrender stuff temporarily so when refocus on math and sciences can have that cool focus towards the math and sciences and schem!)

1. How henry sniffs everything
2. That took henry to the doc and he's okay and healthy!
3. How awesome henry is and polite nad strong and good! and happy
   
4. For hottubs
5. That I got exercise in yesterday
6. That I got out of the way taht annoying-ass trip to glendale and knew/confirmed that that woman wsan't a good match
7. I'm grateful that I can recognize incompatibilities INSTANTLY in emails!! And I KNEW the trip to glendale wouldn't be a good match. Cool as!! :D Just gotta learn to trust that instinct to save time!! Trusting your instisncsts and saying that will/won't work based on estimation svaes you time!
8. food -- that I have some and can eat
9. credit card for ERs (but not that I have a damn balance on it!)
10. my imac.
11. That I signed up for lifecoaching training classes! YEAH!! :D
12. that I have the freedom of space and time to exercise (if only I could get aorund the crap of feeling as-if have to meet up with people crap etc how HIGHLY exclusve ca ppl are. omg jeez!)
13. 
    

1. Experience with the unfamiliar. This results in greater awareness and appreciation of what you do enjoy and are familiar with and good.

2. What it feels like to waste time. I wasted a lot of my life and time "waiting" for something to happen with maya. This was an important lesson because it gave me insight into what it feels like to waste time. (i get angry). awareness of wasting time with things and topics (chakras, astrology, etc) allows me to understand what that feels like which ensures that I can focus on the oppoiste types of things (math, science, clarity, productivity (non-waiting")

3. Experience with hte type of woman who is poor match for me. Maya was slow, naive, and unhealthy (she ate bowls of icecrea, she didn't eat healthily), very unhealthy with sex and unintelligent (She got pregnanat and had an abortion before or around 20, she's a young 20s year old mother). She's a very unintelligent person. Fine. I am not compatible with "little girls who want to have babies" as their only ambition in life. That was a great experience to feel because it made me realize that I my life partner will be a woman who has a strong career, and image, and personality and is meaningful outside of the objective of reproduction.

4. Expansive life. This truly was the one genuinely postive reward. I connected myself with something that's NOT me (energies, astrologies, ) that other people believe. untruths. Seeing that dimension added more color and meaning to my current truths of math and exercise and nature. So that part was rewarding. Expanding my life in that way is something I never want to do again. And all the "surrender stuff" was absolute complete and utter bs. random changes

April 30, 2009 -- 6:05 PM

1. Grateful for getting in touch with LPHS friends (Dan pinzske and sorta kokatays and OLD connections on facebook)
2. That I took that BOLD-ass step to go to lphs, it was intense but in the end will be good.
3. That I got up early and ran!
4. Fish. I love eating fish. Grateful that I cooked fish.
5. Grateful that I'm doing this lifecoaching training and that it can be structured at my own place
6. My scammer-immunity (after getting scammed so many times).
7. The precision of science (like immunology).
8. That I feel like my adventure is done!! all my MASSIVE anguish and toil (beat up, black eyes, travels, kicked out of places, ETC ETC) I am gratefu all that happened b/c makes for wild frightening scary disturbing poignant memories, but I'm glad for the feeling that it feels like it's over!
9. That I do the limiting belief dissolution
10. for NLP techniques.