The Emotional Program
Many people I have worked with say they have emotional problems or completely deny they have emotional problems. The analysis – we all have emotional walls, boundaries and obstacles. Anthony Robbins talks about a type of psychology combining linguistics and neurological programming so that a powerful state, or mood, can be conjured just by a clap of your hands. This is a very powerful resource and it can produce massively productive benefits. Just imagine, whenever you feel anxious or worried, or butterflies in your stomach, just being able to produce a strong feeling of empowerment, security, certainty, and confidence with the snap, literally, of your fingers! Such skills seem almost magical or wizard-like. The veracity of this neurolinguistic programming (NLP) is profoundly powerful.
However, one interesting thing that NLP can lead to is the produce to negative emotions. I worked this one young woman who was extremely sensitive to complements. Usually people blush, or are speechless, or are flabbergasted by a complement. These are all response that I have felt, caused, and seen in others. Most people acknowledge the complement and move on. This young woman has hitting an emotional wall. Whenever I complemented her, I said that her expertise of the restaurant we were both working in at the time was profound. I told her that she most certainly “right” in almost any dispute, simply because she has such a wealth of knowledge and expertise about the restaurant. However, when I told her this, it was like I touched a raw, emotional nerve. I could almost see her visibly twinge. When I complimented her on her expertise see became furious, threatened to leave, and almost started crying. I couldn’t understand this behavior at all because I all of my experience compliments mend disputes, instead of provoking them. I was speechless, so I told her that she is an incredible employee that new much more about the restaurant business than myself. After this, she bolted out of the restaurant and refused to have me talk to her!
I couldn’t understand the emotional behavior that was occurring here at all. I later realized that, for some reason, she had developed an NLP for complements and the effect of such a complement was crippling! It was as though I was becoming the judge, but with comliments instead of criticisms. It doesn’t make any sense to me, but the reaction she had told me that this complement I was giving her, almost made scream in pain!
It was pain she was experiencing from the complement! What does this show us? That neurolinguistic programming is excruciatingly powerful to produce positive and negative emotions in people. Anthony Robbins teaches how to conjure up strong emotions of empowerment with a clap of your hands. In contrast, when I complemented this young woman, NLP caused her to conjure up strong emotions of fear, insecurity, and weakness – the opposite of what I was trying to provoke, and, most certainly, the opposite of what she, or anyone, wanted to feel.
It is true that our NLP can empower us or cripple us. Maybe her father complemented her and then immediately told her she was dumb or stupid or useless, so that a complement became habitually associated with her irregular emotional patterns, producing fear and neglect, instead of empowerment and self-confidence. I was so taken-back by this experience because I had not realized the excruciatingly powerful affects of NLP. Sure, you could say that she already “knew” she was an incredible employee, and telling her that was monotonous, but her reaction was so impulsively enraged. I could see her about to explode as though I had stuck her with an electric volt.
After a respite of limited communication, we resolved our issue with the tip jar, and created peace. It simply took her awhile to let it sink in that she was right, and that I knew that she was right. She kept feeling that she needed to persuade or convince me that I was right, when I was telling her that she almost always was right. In contrast, she was most certainly wrong about her approach to the incident because we ended up arguing in front of the customers, a point I pointed out. The only way, I knew the argument would end would be to tell her that she was right (even though she did act somewhat immature, puerile, and irresponsible), so I did that. In doing so, she felt that I had the upper hand, which infuriated her.
She was so used to needing to tell people “she was right” that when someone actually acknowledged her correctly valid astuteness, she was overwhelmed with negatively charged confusion. This reminded me of the time when a very close person kept asking me “why” at my own home, and I started beserkly crying! It hit an emotional twinge, and shows we all have them.
This woman took complements as insults because she was so attached to the notion of needing to be valid, in control, and on top of her life, and always achieving it, and plowing this disposition out for herself (See Awaken Your Passion in Chapter 4for more information on attachments). When I acknowledged her work, and told her that she possess and had achieved an “in control” “valid” life, she cringed with pain! Complements have been worse than insults for some people because they are so unused to them being delivered. People who never receive complements (because their parents neglected to complement them) lack the ability to deal with the strong emotions of complements. What this person was feeling was a confused joy, most likely. I could delve into her family history or history of abuse, but that is irrelevant.
What is important is learning how to acknowledge and emotionally experience complements. She may have had my image transformed into an authority figure, or father figure, when I complemented her, but I have had people say that I am mean, annoying, and experience overwhelming emotions when I complement them! We must learn to transform the productive emotional energy of a complement into a pleasing experience instead of a painful one because complements are a part of life!
I was overwhelmed by the excruciatingly powerful impact I was having over this young woman’s emotions. I was left dumb-founded about what to do because she was responding so negatively to complements, what I normally to be glue, rather than explosives, in a dispute or argument. This goes to show how effective emotional interactions are with people and that we must continue to awaken each other’s passions, but to be sure not to Judge there accomplishments to astutely or directly, especially if they have worked hard at them, because then their attempt at pursuing something is lost. The restaurant girl’s problem was acknowledging her own accomplishments. She worked two years, almost more than any other employee, in the restaurant. She learned all the nuances of making coffee, communicating with the chefs, working the stoves, taking to-go orders, and helping customers. She had put so much effect into trying to achieve the goal of a respectable, knowledge employee, who “knows what’s right”, that when she had already achieved that, she forgotten what all the work was for and felt crippled by the weight of her efforts. There is a saying that describes this situation perfectly:
“I have been waiting so long, I have forgotten what I am waiting for.”
-Anonymous
The amount of effort we put into our goals can become so incredibly trying, exasperating, and difficultly arduous, that when we finally achieve the goals, we are lost not knowing what action to take. This is similar to building a farm – doing years of research on agriculture, buying the land, understanding chemical growing, erosion, and soil solidity, and tending to the crops meticulously after the years of study – but when the harvest comes around, you’ve learned how do everything possible except enjoy the fruits of what you reap. Experiencing our accomplishments is one of the most important parts of finding our accomplishments, because this allows us to acknowledge them, recognize them, and become empowered from them. With the restaurant situation, my compliments were most certainly, not complementing her needs!
Possibly even moving past our accomplishments is a part of the achievement process. Just as setting goals and passionately pursuing the goals is important to achieving accomplishments, experiencing, relishing, and absorbing the accomplishment is an essential part of that process as well. After all, if we don’t keep score, or evaluate our accomplishments realistically, we may feel like are losing, but may have already won!